Finding "The One"

For the longest time, I held to the understanding that there was no such thing as finding “the one”. My argument went something like this “it is ridiculous to expect that there is one perfect soul mate waiting out there to be found. Logistically it doesn’t even make sense, if there were truly one perfect person out there for each of us, then all it would take to throw everyone off is for one person to pick the wrong soul mate – then we’d all be screwed!”

Instead I rationalized that when it comes to relationships, it takes a little bit of effort. You meet someone you like and are attracted to, get to know them, grow to love one another, and continually work on fanning the flame of your relationship. At least that’s the belief I held to until God smacked me in the face with “the one!”

The truth is, behind my hard stance on finding one’s soul mate, I always secretly prayed and hoped that I would “just know” when I finally met her. I probably adopted that other attitude because I was tired of continually meeting the “wrong” person and being dumped (ouch!).

Looking back at the stories in the bible, it’s no wonder my heart was always drawn to the story of Isaac and Rebecca (Genesis 24). Their story reads like love at first sight. I appreciated Abraham’s quest to find a wife for his son, the servant’s journey back to his master’s land, and the discovery of the incredibly beautiful and hardworking Rebecca.

In Genesis 24:57-67, their love story plays out for us like a scene from a romantic movie. Long before she ever laid eyes on him, Rebecca had already committed her heart to Isaac. On her way to be delivered to him, she sees him from afar and her hearts begins to beat really fast wondering “who’s that young man over there?” Isaac on the other hand is possibly still mourning the loss of his mother (Genesis 23:1-2). One afternoon he decides to go for a walk, possibly to think about what God has planned for him next. During that walk and time of meditation, God brings to his doorstep the most beautiful girl he’s ever seen, and verse 67 reads (possibly after a time of introductions and discussions) “Isaac brought her into the tent of his mother Sarah, and he married Rebecca. So she became his wife, and he loved her; and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death.”

HE FOUND THE ONE! ....Awwww.

Despite every belief I held about finding “the one”, the truth is that the first time I laid eyes on Dupe (my fiancé) I had a strong sense that this was the girl I would spend the rest of my life with (yeah I know it sounds a little impulsive, so let me explain). Every other relationship I had been in up to this point always felt “wrong”; there was nothing wrong with the girls I dated, in fact many of them were godly women. But in each one of those relationships, I felt God impress on my heart over and over that I wasn’t to move any further with them, in fact on occasion, the girls themselves would call a “meeting” and tell me they felt God was calling us to call it quits (I kid you not!!)

So in every relationship I had been in over the last 10 years, I always felt like God had put a “block” on me, sort of like the block cablevision puts on your T.V when they don’t want you to see HBO for free!

Well when I was in Nigeria for a leadership conference and I walked into that lobby and saw Dupe, for the first time in 10 years - I couldn’t feel the block. As I served closely with her during my time there and observed her devotion to God and diligent work attitude, I not only didn’t experience the “block” – but I felt an overwhelming sense of freedom and encouragement from God to pursue her heart (plus I was incredibly attracted to her).

Despite the fact that “I knew”, I still had to work to win her over. A few days after I arrived back in the states, I spent a few days fasting and asking God if the freedom I was experiencing was truly from him or if I was just being impulsive. God answered that prayer in two ways, one he made that sense of freedom to pursue her even stronger, and he stirred her heart to get in contact with me. Our conversation flowed so freely that you would think we’d been dating our whole lives.

Dating internationally has not been easy, but incidentally enough, we have grown incredibly closer than either of us could have imagined. We chat almost three times a week, we do our marriage counseling via webcam and sometimes on the phone; I’ve had the chance to revisit her in Nigeria (yeah we had our first kiss), and also received her parents (and mine’s) blessing over our marriage. Obviously living together will be a whole different experience than just chatting on the phone, but we have definitely learnt to communicate on a whole different level without confusing it with all the sexual temptations we would have if we were together.

So. In light of my personal experience (and very very very limited marriage experience), I am inclined to say “meeting the one” is not the issue as much as what you do after you meet them. Relationships take work and it requires a lot of love and respect from both parties during the good days and the bad days. I am under no illusion that all my days with Dupe will be “oh-so-dreamy”, but I believe we are currently building a foundation of friendship and trust that we can build the rest of our marriage on. We both love Jesus Christ and surrender to him first before we can willfully care for each other’s need.

So if there is someone out there you really like or feel is “the one” – ask God to either give you an overwhelming sense of freedom to pursue them, or to put a cable block on you!

Oh for the sake of my buddies who’ve asked how I proposed, I did it in two stages. The first time I mentioned it was on the phone and I told her that I was excited about the great things God was doing in my life and the awesome story he was writing through it, and then I told her that I wanted her to be a part of my story. She got the message, and asked if I wanted her to play a small role or a major role – I responded “A MAJOR ROLE”. That is Nigerian for “will you marry me?” – “yes I will” :)

Then when I went back to visit this year, I got down on one knee after church (at her place) and pulled out the bling!